since i have proven myself a useless one all these internal medicine course, this is the price i have to pay. after all.
Your job is to learn as much as possible. Think of yourself as a sponge. Soak it all in. Take responsibility for your learning. Seek out learning opportunities whenever possible. You will never get this opportunity again.
taken from here
i have a complicated diabetic patient today. well, that didn't really touch my nerves. so THEY took the history of course (did i mention i was like dragging my feet all of these while to my clinical rounds?), which also didn't touch my nerves at all. few minutes later, another daughter of my patient came. arguing with the other daughter, like very loud one. saying the mother should not be there. that there was no doctor, that we were just students, that we are not egyptian, that it is useless to talk to us, the different tongues. then the doctor came when she was about to move her mother out. again, whe was arguing with the doctor, in which she lost and has to let her mother stays with us. few minutes before our lesson ended, the son of this patient came. arguing with the doctor again. this time the doctor lost.
being in the student's chair, i might say, these children are annoying. but, i barely say they are annoying, except from the part that the son really yelled at the doctor.
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umi: hari-hari doktor tu datang kejut nenek. dia tolak kuat-kuat, panggil, "makcik kamariah! makcik kamariah! buka mata!"
me: dia nak kejut kot, takut koma ke ape.
umi: yelahh. tak payah laah kuat-kuat sangat macam tu. panas hati jugak anak-anak ni tengok.
i feel like writing the long nags of mine. who knows they can turn to be journals.hehe.
the worst thing about being a hard stone is when it comes to things where you mutter a NO at the first time, and knowing you have, no matter how, to take them. when i really feel like crying hard in front of all these internal medicine things, i would appreciate less pressure from anybody else (if just you know what i mean).
OSCE went worst. even worse than surgery's. among 3 of the topics i have to study, of course, the least expected and the least wanted has to come to me. both cases. i was a disaster i might say.
you know it reminds me on the old days. being one of the SBP's perfect-scorer, standing proudly in the middle of XY's names, knowing that i am all stable physically and mathematically, nobody would expect me to refuse filling any engineering applications. moreover from the biggest sponsor of it. and nobody would ever expect me to not even want to fulfill them. i hate making choices. i hate to say no when it comes in front of my eyes. it shakes my ego, and of course my stand. so i refused ANY engineering applications, and i was gambling my future, when i delicately still stepping into medicine.
i was just like coming from the other side of the world when i first stepped into medicine. i honestly, never stayed up, unless somebody asked me to teach them maths, or i purposely think i should at least win an A2 for my history. never for anything else. if you were one of my schoolmate, then i shouldn't be elaborate more. and yes medicine was at first killing me. i was like, what? all these terms? all these words? which of course you don't memorize physics, because you don't answer those hydraulics and log questions based on what is written in the textbooks, but on what you certainly understand. same goes with add maths. it means like, if you keep focusing well in class, you don't have to even open up any books at home. believe me, i never did finish my add maths home works. most of the time are because there were never punishments for not finishing them. haha. so really medicine asked me to keep still on my desk. like read these freaking books, unless you wish to return early in the summer. oh my, how am i gonna do this?
so theoretically, 3 years have passed, thankfully. and with loads of hard works and tears too i might say. i went to surgery which was my first posting, which i at first thought would be a disaster, but it turns out to be not but a bliss even. and here, now while typing this, i feel like i am in a morgue. i have to go through dull days, counting everyday to pass quickly and just so that you can at least get rid of it. you know, being a person of if-i-don't-like-you-i-won't-be-liking-you-forever is a silent murderer of mine. i can sit in front of bailey and love, and not moving anywhere for few pages, but i can't help myself focus on these kumar and clark's for even an hour without having any other distractions, whether is made or i am making them for myself, which is frustrating enough.
OSCE costs me 40 marks, which i believe i am not losing all of them. i have to keep being an optimist i know. hopefully i will. somebody told me, indirectly, agama memberikan asas yang kukuh untuk seseorang itu kekal optimis. i wish i have a strong base, enough to support my failing axial.